Dispensing of the false-self through a therapeutic relationship

Reflective self function (and the attachment story of codependence): I'm continuing my study of AEDP after level 1 training and find it helpful to share here a few things that blew my mind regarding the reflective self and its importance, also known as mentalization. I am beginning to understand how deceptively simple the concept is.

In Fosha's model the reflective-self is a central consideration both for understanding our client's stories and for how we can help them heal.
Fosha references Dr. Winnicott's True vs False Self in her section, the ability to hold oneself in one's own heart and mind (p59).
I'll include an excerpt from a short article interacting with Dr Winnicott on this, explaining how the false self arises as a result of parental misattunement.
"The child will start to feel like their basic and truest needs and desires are not acceptable or manageable. In a case like this, the child will become what Winnicott calls compliant—that is, the child will adjust their behavior, without even thinking consciously about it. This conformity to their environment is the child’s attempt to protect themselves from further inadequacy or disappointment—but it is a covering up of the original, true desire. This is the birth of the False Self." (https://depthcounseling.org/blog/winnicott-true-false-self)

One thinks of codependency and the 'outside-in orientation' of adults that often presents in therapy. "A high reflective-self function involves being able to shift back and forth between self and other, and being able to experience and regulate affects. In addition, in the operation of the reflective self function, there is the back and forth between empathy for the other and empathy for the self. It is crucial that the caregiver be mindful not only of the child's emotional experience but also her own. . . . If she focuses on the child and loses herself, she will pay the price . . . The caregiver who devotes herself to care of the other at the expense of her own self actually loses track of the other and ends up unconsciously taking care of her own self, treating the other as she herself yearns to be treated (Winnicott, 1949). The development of the false self has its roots in being the recipient of such caretaking." (The Transforming Power of Affect, 59)

One of the most profound goals of therapy is facilitating "corrective experiences" that will literally help to rewire the brain to align with more healthy associations and expectations in relationships. In terms of this subject we might think of therapy as a relationship where a person's "original, true desire" is fully welcome so that they can begin to dispense of the false self. I'm reminded of my goal with every client -- to create a space where they feel they can authentically show up, without shame or fear of judgment. 

Something I seek to communicate to clients: I am a therapist, not a guru. This means I am the same boat as you, in process, struggling to dispense of my own false self, and to embrace hope, freedom, and authenticity. We are all deeply vulnerable and in need of the help of a true other to help us along the way.

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